Babymoon

Within our own social groups we can create a structure that supports and protects new motherhood. Like a honeymoon, a babymoon is a time for concentrated attention on your new baby.  Sheila Kitzinger describes the concept of a babymoon in the first week where there are limited intrusions into the mother-baby couplet from visitors.  The mother and baby are in intimate contact, with the partner providing protection, and organizing friends and family in support of the new mother and baby.  Each family can determine how much time is appropriate for their babymoon and can range from three days to six weeks.

Everyone wants a piece of new baby energy. Doctors, nurses, friends and family, all seem to want to get their hands on a new baby. The professionals seem to feel that only they are competent to stabilize and care for the freshly born. Grammas and  grampas, aunties, uncles, and friends, all want to hold the new baby.  It is far more exciting to hold and interact with the baby than it is to support the motherbaby in their new synergistic relationship. A new mom and babe should be considered as one unit, similar to pregnancy. All friends and family should respect the energy of this relationship and do what needs to be done to support it so that the relationship thrives.

The couplet should not be disturbed in the first hours while the birthling is skin-on-skin and adjusting to its new surroundings. Only if mom needs to get up to go to the bathroom, has a medical necessity, or on her request, should the baby leave its mother. After the initial adjustment period, the mother should receive all the help she needs in order to “mother.” The focus should be on supporting the mother in caring for her baby, not in caring for the baby for her, unless she is too ill to do so.

There are so many ways to be a good gramma or friend. Prepare meals, clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, go shopping, babysit older children, entertain visitors. Massage the new mother’s back, wait on her.  If she wants a shower or bath, then watch the baby while she bathes. If the baby is colicky, she may welcome some help with carrying her crying baby. Anticipate her needs, ask her what she wants or needs to help her succeed and feel comfortable in her new role as a mother.

Kathleen Kendall-Tackett recommends that our culture could reduce the incidence of post-partum depression if we practiced what has traditionally been called the lying-in period. She describes what is necessary for new mothers as follows:

• A distinct post-partum period
• Protective measures reflecting the new mother’s vulnerability
• Social seclusion and mandated rest period
• Functional assistance
• Social recognition of her new role and status

I would like to see the concept of a babymoon supported by all women for all women. American women seem to be so eager to get out and about. But the realities are that it takes time to adjust to a new baby and it can take time to establish breastfeeding. Four to six weeks is really the time needed for the learning curve of mothering and breastfeeding. Let us make ourselves available to our friends who need the support during their babymoon.

Women who expect to return to “normal” may be disappointed. There is no return from motherhood. Our bodies, minds, and souls are forever changed by giving birth. We will never be the same as we were before giving birth. It is a crossing-over of sorts. Once we have crossed over we are forever a “mother.”

Creating Community
When it comes time for a mother to return to work – what should that look like?
We need to look outside the box when searching for a solution to “child care issues.”  The question should not be who will care for the child – mom, dad, or childcare? The question should be – How can society best support a family in raising their children in the most nurturing and effective way? 

The goal for each child born should be a loving family, education, building a strong ethical compassionate character within the context of a society that provides flexible work hours for both parents. No parent should have to work instead of being available to their child. No parent should have to work 70 – 80 hours a week to make partner or a promotion in a firm or company.

All jobs should have a built-in flexibility that allows for family obligations. This model includes a long paid maternity/paternity leave, as well as flexible hours that suit each individual family’s needs. Even something as simple as having onsite daycare would make a tremendous difference.

Schools can be re-thought as well. The hours that a child attends school and how the classroom is set up can be revised. Trying to adapt good parenting into the patriarchal, hierarchical, commercial model is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

In thinking outside the box we can look at a variety of different parenting options.

The main question is, “How can we best support new parents?”  As baby grows and is no longer breastfeeding, dad or other members of a family or society can step in and co-parent.  Some women find that they are not so well suited to constant mothering. This is a good time to change places if so desired. I have observed this in a family member as well as a neighbor. Mom was happy to go earn the living while dad stayed home with the children. Supporting various non-traditional models of families is important.  

We are a nation that claims to adhere to traditional family values. Let’s hold ourselves to that ideal.  This issue needs to be brought to the attention or our legislators and corporations. We need a parent’s lobby/political action committee.